Dear Able-bodied People....

...your discomfort with me and my very obvious disability and method of getting around is not my problem. Keep it to yourself. And if you can't think of anything sensible and adult to say to me (hint - "does it [my scooter] go in reverse?", and, "Oooh, when do we get a go on that?", are neither of the above), especially when you encounter me at an event for non-profit workers when I am there as someone who has created and developed a non-profit organisation from the ground up, then you really shouldn't be working in the fields that you are. We don't exist solely for you to do good works on.

And I thought I had problems with social contact... :-/

"Disability Do's and Don't's" Or Damn I Wish I'd Written This

I've fallen off the blogwagon somewhat lately, but I meant to post this a while ago. I'm in the middle of some world class procrastionation at the moment, avoiding important work-related tasks (ones that I'm being *paid* for no less), so of course I must catch up on blogging stuff!

The following is a post that the Ranter wrote at her blog, Disability Rants, a couple of months ago, and I thought it was so good and so important that I asked her if I could post the whole thing here. I can only add a resounding, "hell, yes" to all of her points. Please go and visit her blog as well, she has some fantastic posts.

"Disability Dos and Don'ts

Don't:

1. Ask us what's wrong with us.
2. Ask us what happened to us.
3. Ask us how we do what we do.
4. Tell us we're awesome for doing the ordinary.
5. Think we're awesome for doing the ordinary.
6. Assume anything.
7. EVER try to freakin' push us before asking if we need help.
8. EVER try to freakin' push us after asking if we need help and we say no.
9. Swear at us when we get pissed off when you don't respect our answer, decision, space (pushing us without asking is as invasive as me going up to you and taking your briefcase out of your hand without asking when you don't know me from Bob).
9. Rush ahead to open doors for us.
10. Apologize for not having helped us in time when it seems we're doing just fine without you.
11. Say stupid things like "I should be doing that for you" when we reach the door first and hold it open for you.
12. EVER pat us on the freakin' head!
13. Ask us what disability we have before getting to know us.
14. Ask us anything disability related before getting to know us "just because you're curious". Who the hell are you, and how important do you think your curiousity is, freak?
15. Ask us if we play basketball.
16. Try to give us money (unless it's a cheque with 6 digits).
17. Tell us how freakin' brave we are unless we just fought a bear.
18. Address our companions when asking questions meant for us.
19. Ask "are you sure?" when we tell you we don't need help.
20. Ask "do you want to go out" if we happen to be sitting by a door.
21. Assume we like to listen to your problems coz we'll "understand" since obviously our lives have been hard like yours, right?
22. Assume that a physical, visual, auditory disability, speech impediment, or other means we couldn't possibly hold a Masters degree, good paying job, own a condo, drive a car, marry, have children, make decisions for ourselves.
23. Shout at us.

Do:

1. Use your freakin' common sense.
2. Talk to us.
3. Get to know us.
4. Listen.
5. Establish some sort of relationship before you ask us anything personal.
6. Allow us to be as independent as we can be.
7. Wait for us to ask for help.
9. Let us open the door for you if we reach it first.
10. Give us a chance before you come barging in to "rescue us".
11. Think twice before you open your mouth.
12. Ask us out for coffee.
13. See us as human beings.
14. See us as women or men.
15. Consider us as wives, husbands, partners, friends, lovers, intellectual equals
16. Relax.
17. Laugh.
18. Be open.
19. Remember that we have to deal with people like you every hour of every day."

The Ranter also added a few more in the comments:

24. Don't tell us we're going to get a speeding ticket.
25. Don't tell us we're good drivers.
26. Don't tell us how well we manage our wheelchairs.
27. Don't lean on our wheelchairs.

A Rant On "Help"

[Originally written on 26 September 2005]

This short - and incomplete - rant was prompted by several recent encounters and discussions. This poem was also one of the prompts for this rant.



Humans helping other humans is part of the social contract we should all be participating in, but I object to people who insist on `helping' me when I clearly don't need help, simply because they assume that having cerebral palsy makes me incompetent, and because they want to feel better about themselves.

You can tell the difference, if the people offering help see you as a fellow human being, they will *ask* first, and listen to the answer, and when you say, politely "Thanks for the offer, but I'm fine, I can manage", they won't take offence. And if you say, yes, thanks I could do with some assistance, they do whatever it is calmly, maturely, and if it actually involves physical contact with me or my assistive devices they *listen* to me when I say this is the best/easiest/least painful way of doing it. And they are happy with a simple "Thanks very much, really appreciate the assistance, have a great day" or other appropriate response. Help from those people is a pleasure.

If the people offering have some idea of themselves as `ministering angel', 'helping the unfortunate cripple', then they just barrel in, grab, push, whatever without asking - which can be dangerous, and if they do ask, and you refuse - politely (I stress that - because I'm always polite the first time, unless I'm physically grabbed without warning, then I scream bloody murder with *no* apology), they get sooooo offended - how *dare* I not let them help me, never mind that sometimes I'm just sitting there, and there is literally *nothing* they can help me with, even if I *wanted* to let them help me. I was sitting in the mall one day, in my scooter, enjoying the sunshine, reading a book - guy comes up to me out of nowhere "Can I help you?", Me, very puzzled thinks, help me with what? I'm not *doing* anything, do you want to turn a page for me?. "Um, no thanks."

We have the same right of refusal of assistance than any able-bodied person does. And it's the attitude of the person offering, I'm a human being, not some mindless cipher for someone else to project their fears and assumptions onto.

I also don't much like "help" from people who cannot understand that I'm also someone who can provide others with assistance when I can. It's the one-sidedness that galls, the assumption that I am not also a contributing functioning member of society in my own way.

But I feel censored a lot of the time, about this sort of thing by both able-bodied and disabled people, and get berated and attacked (who would have though expecting people to treat you like a human being would result in such attacks!) by some as well who tell me I'm `ungrateful'.

I will not coddle or patronise able bodied adults by assuming that they can't treat people with disabilities like human beings. They need to think about how they treat `Others', and I expect them to behave like the adults they are and *think* about their attitudes. Just as I do when I'm in a new situation or around people I'm not familiar with.

It's not rocket science.